Indie Rock Law #60 – Don’t forget the hummus

Don’t forget the hummus.

Hair metal bands of the 1980s had strange tour riders. Van Halen requested a carton of cigarettes and organic vegetables for example. Other bands that will go unnamed requested that all the brown M&Ms be removed from their nightly allotment of M&Ms.

Those days are over, though. The indie bands of today crave one thing above all others. It’s not alocohol. It’s not cigarettes. It’s not chocoloate, even. No, the tour necessity of today’s indie rock bands is hummus.

The lovely and tasty spread that is hummus has wormed its way into the (bleeding) hearts of today’s indie rocker, and it’s here to stay.

It makes one wonder, though…what do they do with all that hummus?

Indie Rock Law #59 – “Discover” The Great Gatsby and write a song about it

“Discover” The Great Gatsby and write a song about it.

Perhaps you got through high school or college without reading F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic. So it all feels so new and fresh, right? There’s only one thing to do: write a song about it. You can then play that song live and nod to the dude in the second row who gets all the references. The Great Gatsby belongs to you two now.

Indie Rock Law #58 – Singer-songwriters must wear a harmonica

Singer-songwriters must wear a harmonica.

While others surely wielded harmonica before him, Bob Dylan seemingly made it a fashion statement for singer-songwriters. On any given night, one can visit their favorite coffee shop and see a guy playing a set of covers and originals. This guy will wear a harmonica and use it to produce sounds that mostly go with the chords he’s playing on his friend’s guitar.

Ultimately you’ll wish he would learn to play the harmonica before subjecting coffee drinkers to his performance, but you’ll have to give him credit for following this Indie Rock Law so closely.

The times ain’t a changin’.

Indie Rock Law #57 – “More mature” means cutting the tempo in half

“More mature” means cutting the tempo in half.

People get older, and the older they get, the slower they walk. If you’re walking slowly, you need your music to move slowly as well. That’s why it is impossible to write fast songs on any album after your debut or sophomore album. Any band capable of writing songs that are faster than the songs on their first album are actually caught in a dimensional loop and have no control over the music they are making.

It’s a medical matter, really.

Indie Rock Law #56 – There is one drink: vitamin water

There is one drink: vitamin water.

If you’re going to drink anything during your set other than beer, it needs, nay MUST be vitamin water. What else are you going to do? Pop open a Coca Cola like some kind of cliche soft drink commercial? It would be better to just pass out from dehydration than to be caught drinking soda on stage.

Besides, if you pass out on stage and end up going to the hospital, you’re pretty much guaranteed a post or two on Absolutepunk.

Indie Rock Law #55 – Refuse to explain your songs’ meanings in interviews

Refuse to explain your songs’ meanings in interviews.

Interviews are strange. They generally are boring and irrelevant, filled with questions that the interviewer could have answered by looking at your band’s Myspace page. Sometimes, however, interviews take a more serious tone. Perhaps the interviewer wants to talk about your childhood, political leanings, or relationships as a result of the lines in your songs.

It’s your job not to give the interviewer a straight answer. Even if the line is as obvious as “As a child I knew that war wasn’t right, I lost all my friends, never found a wife, but that feeling of being young…that feeling of being young still keeps guiding me,” you need to announce that the line is up for interpretation. You can then say that’s the beauty of music; it can mean anything to anyone.

Indie Rock Law #54 – Choose one of these four things for your tee-shirts

Choose one of these four things for your tee-shirts:

1. Robots
2. Dinosuars
3. Trees
4. College/Company Logo-esque version of your band-name (e.g. The Other Side of Tokyo, established in 1998).

P.S. You are allowed to use guns only in cases of irony.

Indie Rock Law #53 – Sweat profusely

Sweat profusely.

Nothing says that you’re giving your heart and soul to the performance more than being drenched in your own intensity. Start sweating the second you walk on stage, even. Plenty of bands do that. You don’t have to jump around much to show the audience you’re sweating. Just shake your head back and forth like Jim Adkins from Jimmy Eat World, and they’ll know.

Oh, they’ll know.

P.S. This post is in no way, shape, or form, critical of Jim Adkins.

Indie Rock Law #52 – Make univiting fliers for your shows

Make univiting fliers for your shows.

For the local bands:

In theory when a band sets up a show, they want to perform in front of people. The band generally knows a few people nearby, so they have a guaranteed audience of seven people. Everyone else, though? They either come to the show based on random chance, alcohol, or your flier.

Fliers are designed to persuade the recipient to do something. In the local bands’ cases, fliers are a final life-line intended to convince random people to show up to see a band they’ve never heard of.

Still, to do something too accessible wouldn’t be very indie, so the show flier needs a few key ingredients to weed out the “casual” music crowd.

Ingredients:

• Make the text look like a ransom letter.
• Paste pictures of random celebrities or historical figures spliced with other images such as werewolves.
• Tape it to a streetlight or something that no one is likely to look at.

Indie Rock Law #51 – You can’t cover your own song

You can’t cover your own song.

When a band says “This next song is a cover song,” you expect certain things. Perhaps you expect a clever cover … a punk band’s rendition of “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling.” Perhaps you expect an obvious cover … Neutral Milk Hotel’s “Holland, 1945″ for example. One thing you definitely expect, though,  is for the song  to be from a band that the singer or primary songwriter was never a part of.

Just because you’re standing on stage with a few guys who weren’t on stage the last time you played a song YOU wrote doesn’t mean you’re covering it. It means you’re playing YOUR song as a fan service to those who remember your old band.